Oh
by Redmoon124
Summary: What wakes Maura so suddenly? And why is Jane standing on one foot? One Shot.


None of these characters are mine. They belong to their rightful owners and creator. No infringement is ment. I only play with them for fun, no profit is made.

Enjoy.

* * *

OH

Hazel green eyes sprung open in alarm, body shooting up in bed, Maura tried to gasp air and calm down her heart rate, a hand going to her chest as if to aid the process. The other process going on was her brain. It was trying to figure out what on earth was happening? That's when she heard the yell from downstairs, distinctive, loud.

''God damn son of bitch!''

Maura jerked, already rising from the bed in a rush, grabbing at the robe. That was Jane, and Jane did not sound happy. She opened the door, one arm through the robe, jerking back with a grunt as the other arm got caught in the door handle.

''MAURA!''

Maura twisted, turned, pulling the robe free stumbling forward, regaining her footing as she managed to get the robe on and start down the stairs. ''Coming, coming!''

Finally entering the living area, eyes searching. ''What? What's wrong?'' the panic subsiding as she didn't find any sign of danger. Taking a deep breath to calm the rest of her, adrenlin making her body buzz. Her eyes found Jane on the far side of the room. Maura frowned, head tilting. Jane was hopping on one leg, looking down to the underside of her raised naked foot. Even for Jane this was strange. ''Jane? What are you doing?''

''What... what am I doing? I'm training for the one legged marathon. What does it look like!''

Maura's eyes slipped closed. Counting to ten before reopening them. Jane and Jane's sarcasm first thing in the morning before coffee was very irritating. She was about to respond with something not very ladylike, when she spotted something unusual. ''What is that on your sole?''

Jane growled. ''Oh, so glad you finally noticed. I don't know what the hell it is, I just stepped in it... over there.''

Maura followed Jane's pointing finger. Her eyes widening, looking back to Jane, then the foot. Realization dawning. ''Oh.''

''Oh? Oh what? What the heck is it? It looks like some sort of jello.''

''Um.'' Maura turned away, moving to the kitchen, quickly getting a cleaning spray, cloth and trash bag, from under the sink. Slipping on latex gloves as she walked back. Avoiding Jane's gaze as she moved to the pointed area. Hearing Jane's hopping thumps behind her, as she followed.

''Um... um what? Why the hell does it look like your about to autopsy it?''

Maura bit her lip as she cleaned. Finally replying, her voice low. ''Fecal matter.''

''Wait, what? Are you joking right now? A pop culture reference, really?''

Maura frowned, turning her head to look over her shoulder at Jane. ''Pop culture?''

''Damn it Maura, what has that...'' Jane pointed. ''got to do with a punk rock band from the eighties?''

Now Maura was seriously confused. ''It hasn't... I don't...'' her words were cut off as Jane sliced a hand in front of her face.

''No. no no. Do not do that... do not go google mouth on me. Just tell me what that is?''

Maura bit the inside of her cheek, turning back to focus on the clean up. ''It's not Bass's fault.''

''Wait... what? What's Bass got to...''

Maura stilled, lips now tight together, waiting for what she knew was about to come. Seeing without turning the different emotions Jane's face would be displaying, as she worked out exactly what this was. There was a vast stretch of silence.

''Maura, are you telling me that's shit?''

Maura winced. The fact Jane's tone was low and even, actually scared her a little bit.

''Turtle shit?''

Maura winced again, spraying the area with the disinfectant, wiping it dry. ''Tortoise.''

''Really! Maura...asfuckmnbghyu.''

Maura cringed as swear words a sailor would be proud of were muttered. She focused on cleaning the area thoroughly, waiting for Jane to calm down enough to speak again. It took three minutes and seventeen seconds.

''How in the hell does a turtle shit that much! And why the fuck is it bright green?!''

For once Maura thought it best not to correct Jane's language. She rose, sealing the bag, turning. ''It's not his fault... He has had a small bacterial intestinal problem for the last few days and the antibiotics are upsetting his system. The unusual green colour and gelatine texture are because of the medication and...'' Maura stopped talking, getting more and more uncomfortable with the stare Jane was giving her. She jumped as Jane spun away arms out, hands gesturing wildly.

''Oh my god! Not only did I step in turtle shit, I stepped in infected turtle shit... God damn it.''

Maura had to seriously bite the inside of her cheek as she watched Jane hop on one leg and try to disown her own foot.

''He did it on purpose!''

Maura blinked. ''Bass? Bass has no control over his excreting process.''

Jane huffed. ''He did it right there.'' Jane pointed. ''on purpose... He knows I go there every morning to look out the window.''

Maura looked to the window, the floor, then back at Jane. ''You look out the window in the morning?''

''Not the point Maura, not the damn point. He fecally trapped me.''

Maura was finding this exceedingly amusing. ''Fecally isn't a word.'' The mirth in her was rising up and pushing and wanting out. Especially at the glare now aimed at her.. Maura coughed, covering an escaping laugh, moving to dispose of the bag and its contents.

''Where is he?''

Maura had to turn her head away as Jane bent to look under the coffee table. Maura was quite impressed at her balance on one leg. ''I would suspect he is in the laundry room under his heat lamp.'' Maura pulled off the gloves, dropping them into the waste bin. Using all her control to keep the laugher out of her voice as she heard the thump, thump, thump of Jane hopping around the living room in search of Bass.

''No. no no no. He'd want to see his fecally trap sprung. He's around here somewhere.''

Maura snorted, turning back to look. ''Jane, you do know he's a tortoise and not a ninja.'' Maura grinned pleased with that one. Her grin faltered as Jane's head came up fast from behind the couch and a glare was added.

Maura smiled sweetly. ''I'd advise you go and clean it off. Although the infection Bass has is not infectious to humans, it may cause an irritation to your digestive system.''

''If I get it, I'm gonna find him and shi...''

Maura squeaked. ''JANE!''

''Fine. Fine! Just know where ever you are, I'm going to get you back for this turtle.''

Maura had to hold her breath at how ridiculous Jane looked and sounded right now. She watched as Jane grumbled and muttered her hopping way up the stairs.

Maura finally gave in, letting the giggle out. Movement caught her eye, watching Bass emerge from behind the chair. His head and eyes focusing on the stairs. Right at that moment, although she knew it was physically impossible for a tortoise to display. Maura could have sworn he smirked. Maura laughed fully.

''I **can** hear you!'' echoed from above.

Which only made Maura laugh harder.

Fin


End file.
